India's Greatest Mystery: Solved.

India is a land of mystery, with many great mysteries that bewilder the foreigner. But one mystery is far more mysterious than the rest:

How the hell do Indians go to the bathroom without toilet paper?!

This mystery has plagued foreigners for centuries, since the arrival of the British, probably. Well, after 3 years, 1 month, 1 week, and 3 days (I first landed in India on July 29, 2007) of searching for answers all over the subcontinent, I have finally discovered the secret.

Indians guard this secret very closely. But one Indian, one of 1.1 billion people, let his guard down. Mudit, a coworker and new friend, told me what Prashanth, Angela, Anand, Pooja, and all the others refused to explain (seriously, I've been asking everyone). He described two methods:

1. The Pour-then-Wipe From the Front

Hold the hand you do not use for eating (so if you're right-handed, your left hand) in front of you, slightly below your crotch. Pour water into this hand, which should be cupped, with your other hand (you will find a small plastic pitcher in most Indian bathrooms). Then, wipe between your legs. Repeat as necessary.

2. The Simultaneous Pour-and-Wipe From Behind

Hold your non-eating hand behind you and slightly below your butt. Using your eating hand, pour water down your intergluteal cleft (a.k.a. your butt crack) from behind. Catch this water with your non-eating hand and wipe upwards. Pour continuously and repeat wiping as necessary (the pouring and wiping actions are simultaneous).

Apparently, the preferred method is #1, The Pour-then-Wipe From the Front. It's easier, more comfortable, and less messy (well, less messy in terms of water, I guess; I assume your wiping hand gets just as messy). Now, if you think like me, you would probably ask this next question:

But doesn't that leave your butt wet? How do you not leave the bathroom without a wet stain on your pants?

According to Mudit, yes, this will leave your butt wet. But the amount of water in your hand is minimal, so it's not enough to soak through your pants. Especially if you're wearing underwear between your butt and your pants, as you should be; the underwear will absorb the water so that your pants do not have any visible traces of your bathroom excursion. I of course asked if this was uncomfortable (I wipe my butt raw if that's what it takes to be dry, thank you very much), but it seems Indians are just used to this feeling.

And my last question, which even the all-knowing Mudit could not answer:

If Indians wipe their butts with their hands, then why didn't my TERI coworkers ever wash their hands after using the toilet?!

Mudit was just as grossed out as I was.

(By the way, he's also a bit grossed out about the idea of wiping with only toilet paper, without water. He feels that the water is absolutely necessary for proper cleaning, and to wipe without water just isn't hygienic. So perhaps it is the Westerners who have strange, less sanitary bathroom habits!)

And yes, this post means I'm back in India and back to blogging. More to come from Shimla soon!

PS: I apologize if this was a bit graphic for some. But you can't say I didn't warn you!