An ominous letter

I had written a reflective/sappy I'm-leaving-Delhi-this-is-all-coming-to-an-end-how-do-I-feel-about-it bullshit post, but I'm actually not going to post it right now. Why? I'm in the middle of packing and cleaning up my apartment, and I randomly came across a letter I wrote during PiA orientation. Anastasia, the director of PiA, had asked every new fellow to write a letter to him/herself that we would receive at some point during the year. When the PiA deputy director (or whatever her title is) came through town back in November, she must have given me the letter. But I apparently never opened it; the envelope was sealed. Of course I took a break from cleaning to tear open the envelope and read the letter. Anyway, I thought it was worth sharing my expectations/concerns from a year ago in my leaving-Delhi post, because many of them were scarily spot-on:

May 18, 2009

Dear Emily,

You're going back to India! Woohoo! (Should I write this in the first or second person? Awkward.) I hate these kind of assignments. I don't know what to write here. I guess what I'm nervous about? I'm most nervous about hating Delhi. I really think it is a possibility. After all, I hated it so much last time I left early! I hope by the time I read this that Delhi will have grown on me. Or, if it hasn't, that I'm able to escape (i.e. leave the city and travel). I'm also nervous about my job. What if I suck at my job? Or worse, what if my job just sucks? What if the bureaucracy drives me crazy, or what if I have an insane boss? Hopefully I'll figure out the system, have a nice boss, and be good at my job.

I can't believe the person in the letter Anastasia read aloud gave up the Fulbright for PiA. Well, at least an alternate got to go in her place! More than anyone can say about this alternate writing this letter. I hope withdrawing from Fulbright wasn't a mistake; I'll be pissed if I somehow find out a Nepal alternate got the grant. I really hope that PiA turns out to be so awesome that I don't remain jealous of Fulbrighters. I hope by the time I read this letter, I no longer even think about the Fulbright.

Speaking of jealousy, when I hear about people going to rural villages, WOW do I get jealous! I just think back to Gangzur and my wonderful Bhutanese family and wish I could experience rural mountain life again. Or any rural life, not even necessarily in the mountains. At this point, I'd much rather be in a rural village of 16 houses than a city of 16 million and all the pollution that comes with it. I hope I am able to find a community that loves and supports me--I think, in some ways, that is easier in a small community like a village. It was easy to find a welcoming community in Bhutan; I didn't even have to look (though I know I was probably lucky and some villages are not so welcoming to outsiders). In Delhi, in a big city, finding my community will be difficult. It is easy to stay anonymous, to be alone, in a city, despite being surrounded by millions of people. Who can I trust? Who will be my friends? I really hope I am able to find my community, and by the time I read this, I hope I have at least started to feel at home.

Ok, I'm done with this bullshit assignment. Good luck in Delhi!

Love,
Emily/myself (?? awkward)

A few points:

1. Concern about hating Delhi - largely realized. And yes I did escape via travel quite often.
2. Concern about job - definitely realized.
3. I did find out that all Nepal alternates ended up getting the Fulbright less than 2 weeks after I withdrew. And yeah, I was pissed about it. I'm still jealous of Fulbrighters, but fortunately I don't really think about it anymore. Plus I've discovered that the South Asia Fulbright programs are full of crap, so that makes me feel better about myself.
4. I would still rather be in a village than a city. If things work out for next year (er, in 6 weeks from now?), I will be! More to come when that's all figured out.
5. I never did find a "community." But I like Alice and Sareeta!
6. Delhi oddly feels like a home of sorts, regardless of my bouts of loneliness.

Alright, back to packing. See you in America!